By Elizabeth S. Coyle •Posted 7 days ago•DATING Men often realize through the divorce process that the separation is taking a greater toll on
Men need specific divorce advice. They need guidance on how to handle the loss of a relationship. Not to mention practical assistance for the ongoing struggle that can come with separating assets or time with children.
Accept the Inevitable
Many people fight the finalization of their divorce or learn during the separation that they would rather avoid the subject. You can’t avoid the finality of this aspect. Eventually, you and your former spouse will have to sign on a piece of paper that will dissolve your marriage.
Of course, it is possible that you are going to date your ex-spouse after a divorce, but it’s unlikely. The faster you embrace the inevitable changes in your life, the sooner you are going to open up yourself for the new opportunities and dates.
Separation with someone you loved is a very rough thing for many people to confront. It’s almost like having someone close died. Your marriage is ending the same way it began, and that should symbolize something for you when you got married and signed that paper with the same person, you had many happy times. Taking that context into thought, signing a divorce decree can lead to many happy times as well.
Envision Your Future
Right now, your life is a whirlwind. You might be searching for a new place to live, sorting out your personal belongings, and fighting over redefining “normal” life. When you’re in a divorce or separation, you get stuck in the moment. Usually, that’s a good thing, but in this situation, you’re ruminating on stress. Rather than sit and stew about the situation at the moment, think of the things you will do soon.
Many married people don’t envision a future without their spouse and during a divorce that can leave men feeling as if their future doesn’t exist. Envision the house you will move into or the free time that you’ll have to fill.
Take a few moments to think of a few positive things that can come your way in the next few months. Focus on your personal growth and use free time on developing your passions and hobbies. Maybe there is some activity you wanted to do but never have time? It’s a perfect moment to focus on that. Spend some time asking yourself about where and how you can find a hobby you will love to soothe the pain of divorce, and maybe meet new people.
You Cannot be a Hero or a Villain
Too often, couples try to make the other person the ‘bad guy’. But there is no good guy, or bad guy, just two people who can’t be together anymore. If there are children involved, taking away the fault mentality can make the entire transition easier.
When confronted with statements from friends or family members, there is a simple response that can stop any negative talk in its tracks. Say, “It takes two people to get married, and two to get divorced,” or be a little more upfront and say, “I don’t want to talk to you about my divorce.”
Is it cheesy? Yes. But, even if you hate your former spouse right now, you probably don’t want to listen to your friend complain about them for thirty minutes. Alternatively, you can respond the same way when someone apologizes as if you are the one suffering an extreme loss in this situation.
Taking that stance that there are no heroes or villains in divorce proceedings can make the legal aspects easier too. The entire event is emotional. However, if you can approach the division of assets analytically, you’ll save yourself a lot of frustration.
Emotional ties are among the many reasons that people call in attorneys. Divorce lawyers don’t have years of emotional investment or obligation. Instead, they look at numbers and help you make decisions that seem fair.
Seek Out Advice from Qualified People
Since spreading the word about your separation, people have probably told you to settle it all between yourself. The issue here is that these people have no idea what your situation is at home. Even people that are close to you can’t have any way of knowing how you and your spouse interact privately.
Unfortunately, your friends, family members, and coworkers simply can’t provide decent advice. You need legal advice. Hire an attorney that can explain how divorce works and what aspects of divorce apply to you.
For example, you may have debt that you will have to share for years into the future. It’s unlikely that you and your partner would have considered that when dividing up your assets privately.
Clearly Define Your Pain Points
Everything seems like a sore subject when you’re discussing divorce. However, if you can clearly pin down two or three issues that really matter to you that can have a huge impact. For example, say you have a mortgage together, own a car, and have children. Fairly standard.
But if your pain point is that you love the house and want to keep it, you have other aspects of bartering with for a beneficial outcome. You might not have too much pull when it comes to child custody schedules, but if you are willing to give, you’re more likely to get.
Be sure to discuss any pain points with your attorney. Don’t be afraid to discuss material items, possessions, or personal finances. During a divorce, you need to evaluate the value and personal importance of things that you have cherished together, such as a house, or certain possessions.
Get Out of the House
Sitting at home binge-watching, a show that you’ve seen a hundred times will not improve your mood. The free time that you do have now should go to a good purpose. While your lawyer is handling aspects such as paperwork and evaluating the value of assets, you can start socializing.
You don’t need to go out to a bar or a club. Do something that fits your personality and style. If you really want to stay home, then host a Fight Night and invite friends over to watch an MMA match. Spend more time with your relatives or reconnect with some of your old friends.
The important part here is that you don’t go from having people around you all the time to being alone. Alone is an option, and you can choose to start building new relationships with other people in your life. Schedule events ahead of time, such as attending a concert or taking a long weekend out of town with friends.