By Jon Anthony •Posted 1 week ago•DATING Have you ever had a oneitis? You know… that feeling of neediness and desperation, where you’re head o
That’s why, in this article, we’re going to explain how you can get over oneitis… but first, let’s explain what a oneitis even is in the first place.
What is Oneitis?
First of all, a oneitis is not when you’re in a relationship. It’s not when you’re in love with a girl, and she loves you back, equally as much. No, that’s not at all what a oneitis is.
A oneitis is when you’re in love with a woman, who you barely even know yet, and she has almost no interest in returning your advances.
In other words, Oneitis comes from a place of desperation and neediness, and it’s very unhealthy. That being said, there’s no judgment here – because we’ve all been there.
Urban Dictionary defines Oneitis as:
“There is only one simple explanation for the term: An unhealthy romantic obsession or fixation for/on one person. This mental disease will often interfere with your ability to attract said person, due to your clinginess.”
As I said, oneitis is not when you’re in a relationship, or when a girl is returning your love and advances. Oneitis is when you’re obsessed with a girl, and can’t seem to get over her, even though she’s clearly over you, or was never into you in the first place.
So, with that in mind, let’s talk a little bit more about oneitis.
What Causes Oneitis?
Fundamentally, oneitis is caused by a boring and lackluster dating life. In other words, you don’t have the skills you need to meet, attract, and seduce women, so anytime a girl shows you even a little bit of interest, you fall madly in love.
Funny enough, this neediness will actually drive her AWAY, because it signals that you’re not emotionally healthy. Attracting women, in the right way, comes down to wanting her, but not needing her. This is true for everything in life.
Oneitis is caused by a number of things, but it is all caused by a lack of dating skills. When you can’t meet women and date new girls, you begin to become overly attached to a woman.
This can also be described as co-dependence.
According to Psych Central, co-dependence can be defined as follows:
“Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.”
Sounds a lot like oneitis, does it not? Furthermore, Psych Central lists six common signs of being co-dependent, which also line up very closely to having a oneitis:
- Low Self-Esteem
- Poor Boundaries
While these symptoms don’t necessarily line up with having a oneitis 100%, they’re certainly very related… and either way, it’s food for thought.
So, now that you understand causes oneitis, let’s talk about how to get over it.
3 Steps to Get Over Oneitis
Getting over a oneitis can be difficult, but here at Get A Wingman, we’ve got you covered. In reality, getting over a soul-crushing oneitis can take some time, but if you follow these three steps, you’ll get over it a lot faster than you think.
Here is an outline of the 3-step program to get over oneitis:
- Rigorous Self-Analysis
- Improve Your Own Life
- Learn Dating Skills
If you are in the middle of a oneitis, do not skip any of these steps. These steps are meant to solve the underlying problem of oneitis, rather than putting a Band-Aid on the symptoms.
So, with that in mind, let’s get to it.
Step 1. Rigorous Self-Analysis
If you want to get over your oneitis, you need to first do a very in-depth self-analysis. Be honest with yourself for this part, because the more honest you are, the better results you’ll get.
Separate your life into four critical areas, and do a self-assessment:
- Social Life
On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with these parts of your life? Where do you feel that there could be room for improvement?
Take a look at your health, for example. This comprises everything from your physical strength, to how good you look, to how healthy you are. Are you lacking in this area?
Most guys are a little bit overweight, with some being drastically overweight. If your health is not where you want it to be, now is the time to be honest. Nobody is judging you.
Next, move onto your wealth. How is your job going for you? Do you like it? Or are you maybe stuck at some dead end, minimum wage job that you hate? If so, write that down.
Now, your social life – this is probably going to be the worst off, if you have a oneitis. When you’ve got a thriving social life, with lots of female and male friends, it’s easy to resist the urge to fall into oneitis.
…but if you don’t have many friends? It’s going to be a lot harder.
Ask yourself the following question: how many times have you hung out with friends in the past week? If your answer is less than two times, you’ve got some work to do.
Now, lastly, take an honest look at how happy you are. Do you wake up every day, excited to meet the challenges that might come? Or do you begrudgingly drag yourself out of bed, dreading the day ahead of you?
If you dread the day ahead of you, it’s time to do some work.
Step 2. Improve Your Own Life
Now, I know what you’re thinking… “How will improving my own life help me get over my oneitis?” It’s a question that many of us ask.
…but, the truth is that oneitis arises when you don’t have a fun life. If you have a fun life, you will naturally be slow to become attached. That isn’t to say you won’t love people and eventually move into a relationship, but if you are happy with your life, your relationships will come out of true love, rather than necessity.
So, after you’ve done an honest self-assessment, it’s time to set some goals for yourself. I recommend you set SMART goals, which have the following attributes:
Your goals must have all of these attributes, in order for you to achieve them. If they’re not specific or measurable, you won’t even know when you’ve achieved them.
If they’re not attainable, you won’t attain them… if they’re not related, who cares? And if they’re not timely, there’s no pressure for you to achieve them.
As an example, let’s say you want to lose some weight. What would that goal look like, using the SMART parameters?
It would NOT look like this: “I want to lose weight.”
That’s way too vague, and isn’t specific, nor is it set to a specific time. A better goal would be something like the following:
“I want to lose 15 pounds of fat by August 31st, and I will do this by working out 3x per week, and jogging for 20 minutes every day.”
Now THAT’S a goal that you could actually achieve. Let’s take another example, say with your finances. Maybe you’re working a job you hate, and you want to get out of it.
So, a SMART goal would be something like the following:
“By January 1st, I want to have $2,000 saved up, so I can find a new job that I enjoy. I will accomplish this by saving 20% of my income each month.”
Are you starting to see the point? Now it’s time for you to take action. Create a set of goals that you believe are relevant and pertinent to your life right now.
This will help you get over oneitis, because you will begin to focus on other things… and as an added benefit, you’ll also become more attractive when you’re in great physical shape, and are earning a lot more money.
Step 3. Learn Dating Skills
Perhaps the biggest hurdle that men have in overcoming a oneitis, is that they don’t have the dating skills they need to meet new women.
Unfortunately, when you can’t easily meet new women, it’s easy to fall into a state of neediness and desperation, with the few women that you have met.
We’ve already written numerous articles on dating women here at Get A Wingman, but as a quick primer, here’s a few you might want to consider looking over:
Give those articles a quick read… and most importantly, make the commitment to learn these skills for the longer term.
As a quick side note, it’s also important that you don’t succumb to the MGTOW movement. As we’ve written before, they have some good ideas, but it’s largely a movement motivated by bitterness and anger towards women.
Anger is a way of re-directing blame, when the harsh truth is that women aren’t the problem… you’re the problem. If you aren’t attractive to women in the slightest, that’s not their fault, it’s yours… and more importantly, there are things you can do to improve this.
Let’s start with the basics. First off, get your appearance in order. Most men are pitiful in this area, and simply putting in a little bit of work can help you outshine the vast majority of them.
Here are some “quick fixes” to improve your style and appearance:
- Start Lifting Weights
- Get Some Nice Clothes
- Buy Some Nice Cologne
- Create An “Image” For Yourself
First off, start lifting weights. This is easy, and anyone can do it. If you don’t know where to start, read this article on losing weight. Get a good workout routine, and start lifting.
Second, get some nice clothes. Look through some images of celebrities, and maybe buy yourself a subscription to GQ Magazine. You don’t have to spend a lot to overhaul your wardrobe, just go to stores like Express and Zara’s, and you can get things for cheap.
Get some nice cologne, and start paying more attention to your grooming. Get a nice haircut, groom that neckbeard of yours, and start manscaping as well.
Lastly, keep in mind the “image” that you want for yourself. This can range from being a “preppy” rich guy who wears salmon-colored shorts, to the “jock” who always wears tank tops and athletic pants.
Either way, choose an image, and stick with it.
Next, you’ll need to learn some game. I suggest you read through the dating archives of this website, and take notes on everything you can find.
Fundamentally, all of the “game” that pickup artists talk about, comes down to being comfortable with yourself, and having self-confidence.
As simple as this sounds, it’s actually the truth. Getting over your fear of rejection, learning to attract a woman, and getting over your oneitis all comes down to inner game.
Tips to Get Over Oneitis
In addition to fixing the “underlying cause” of oneitis, which is outlined above, here’s a few quick tips that you can start using immediately.
First, cut off all contact with your oneitis. I know this one sucks, but it needs to be done. The neurons in your brain are actually linked to contact with people, and every time you get in touch with that oneitis of yours, those neurons grow stronger.
So, in order to get rid of that nasty desperation, it’s important you cut off contact with whoever it is you can’t seem to get over.
Block her on social media. Delete her number. Get rid of anything that could put the two of you in touch again.
Then, after a few months, if you want to get back in touch with her, you can – but I highly suggest you avoid doing this.
Aside from cutting off contact with her, I also suggest you start reaching out to old friends.
There’s something special about old friends, that science can barely begin to explain… one thing we know for sure though, is that old friends are the best friends you’ll have.
Reach out to some of your friends, and start planning fun things to do with them. It doesn’t really matter what… because even if you just “hang out,” you’ll get your focus OFF of your oneitis, and BACK to what makes you happy (hanging out with friends).
Consider creating a new Tinder profile, too. As dumb as Tinder can be sometimes, I’ve actually met quite a few girls off of Tinder, and some of them even turned into long term friends.
When you go on Tinder, you’ll be reminded of how many fish there are in the sea… and while it’s never healthy to view people as “objects,” it doesn’t hurt to realize that your oneitis is just one of many women, who could potentially be interested in you.
Summary: How to Get Over Oneitis
The most important thing to remember is that having a oneitis comes from an underlying lack of social skills, and a very boring life. When you find it impossible to meet women, it’s easy to fall into a codependent relationship, where you’re obsessed with her every move.
Don’t fall for this, though. Take the time to improve your own life first and foremost, before you begin entering into a relationship. As the old saying goes… if you don’t love yourself first, no one will.
Start focusing on your own goals, and on improving your own life. It doesn’t matter what you focus on, just focus on something in your own life – your physical health, your financial situation, or even just finding some new hobbies.
Take the time to make your own life so awesome that women are naturally attracted to you… this, my friends, is the true key to overcoming oneitis, and having a happy and fulfilling sex life.